death of a 4 year old.

Today started off well, it started with leaving the house on time, a quick stop at Shipley's donuts and not too terrible traffic on Mopac. That is about were the "well" ended.

Upon arrival to work I was told that the 4 year old boy we have been pulling platelet and blood products for for the past 3 weeks passed away Sunday night. My heart sank and my day went downhill from there. I don't know this boys name, i don't know his birthday, i don't know his official diagnosis, i don't know what his actual cause of death was, i don't know if he had siblings, i don't know anything about him except 3 things:
     1. he has been on ECMO (essentially a heart and/or lung machine that is used short term--3 days to 4 weeks is typical) for 19 days
     2. he has used 1-2 units of platelets on each of those 19 days and about 2-5 units of blood/week
     3. he is B+

why does this bother me so much? i work in healthcare. i work in an industry where if you need the product i collect it means you are very sick, very hurt or actively bleeding on an OR table..but i wanted this boy to beat the odds. i wanted him to live. i wanted the power of life saving blood to work for him. i wanted to hear that he went home fully recovered, instead he will never again go home. he will not go to kindergarten next year. he will be buried sometime in the next few days and this world will move forward without him.

maybe i am so devastated by this loss because i have a son who is probably very close to this boys age. maybe my heart breaks for his parents because i cannot fathom what they are feeling right now. maybe my day was ruined because i am so accustomed to working in an industry that focuses so heavily on thanking donors for "giving the gift of life" and we couldn't give this patient that gift.

so, today was not an awesome day but i needed today to remind me to cherish life, to remember that the hole hunter made in justin's closet door (yes, for real. he said he wanted it to go all the way back to the wall but it stopped moving so he pushed it with all his might and the door stopper popped a hole in the door) just means he is strong enough to do that and that judah's very noisy voice is a blessing, because he has the ability to scream at the top of his lungs and not all kids can do that. i am blessed because i kissed my children tonight while they curled up in their own beds-not a hospital bed. my sons looked at me, hugged me back and told me they loved me-i didnt talk to a comatose child who is clinging to life on an ecmo machine or hug them around tubes, iv's, canuals, etc... i will go to bed in my own house not in a ronald mcdonald house because my sons are healthy and not in the hospital. my tears tonight are of gratitude that my sons are thriving, not the tears of sorrow the parents of that boy are shedding tonight.

look around and be blessed by those who you do life with.

Halloween carnival

H was a sherrif, J was a ninja turtle, dog and soldier (different costume for each event we went too!). And at the end of the day, i just love them and the hilarious little people they have become. They opted to go to the travelling carnival at dell diamond instead of trick or treating :)

I love this because it shows how much they love each other.

they are eyeing the bell that is next to hunter.

they are getting so old looking!

H's pained look is due to the massive number of shocks he was getting coming down the slide.

i love this. 

and this. 

moral of the story...my babies are no longer babies.

Minnesotan or Texan?

Over the past few weeks i have noticed several things about myself:
1. i find i say "y'all" a whole lot more than i say "ya sure"
2. i stayed awake until way past my normal bed time on a work day to watch the Rangers lose the world series...and i dont even know the name of anyone who plays for the Twins except for Joe Mauer.
3. i heard the vikes dropped mcnabb...who is the qb now? but i do know that matt schaub, andre johnson and joel dressen play for the texans.
4. i can navigate central and north austin without even thinking, but when home in mn i have to consciously plan out my route.
5. tex-mex and tea have become staples in my diet. casseroles have become a rariety.
6. instead of tricking people by asking them how to pronounce "ely" or "bemidji" i ask them to pronounce "nacogdoches" or "nueces"
7. i hear mn accents and can differentiate between texas accents
8. i havent watched a hockey game in i dont know how long.
9. i understand what it means when people say, "oh they must be from oklahoma or arkansas." and "oh bless their heart" (neither are complements, just an fyi)
10. i have taught my sons how to "hook em horns" and i am not even sure if the gophers do some sort of hand  gesture.
11. i know most of the texas fight song, and not a word of the gopher fight song.
12. "going up north" now implies that you are visiting dallas/ft worth for the weekend, not going to lake superior


do these things mean i am more texan than minnesotan?

i am a mother of 2 boys.

today i accomplished 1 out of the 6 things on my "things to do when i get home from work today" list and it was the least important one...clean out the toy box because it is overflowing with random pieces to toys that have long gone been eaten by brandi. this was a task the boys and i did together-they got to determine which toys they were done playing with and the ones they still liked. we tossed broken, mismatched and toys that were no longer age appropriate. then we discovered the box of costumes and the rest of my to-do list went out the window. for the next 2 hours we had to dress up in each of the costumes (dog, mouse, army man, cowboy, ninja turtle) and role play. H and J were usually the good guys and i was the bad guy they were trying to capture. however, as bed time came and went they turned on each other and decided it was time for them to fight each other so they could determine who was the better, stronger good guy. i think it was a toss up on who won the battle...

hilarious. i love that judah threw a lion at hunter and hunter proceeded to say "cattle in the road" and shoot it. poor judah will never live down his "injin turtle" costume and hunter's singing/dancing is awesome. and yes, h is only in his undies because the mouse costume he had on previously was made for sub-zero temperatures.

vegetable eaters

I am so thankful that my little boys love veggies like i do. I love that i can get creative with vegetarian dishes and they gleefully gobble them up (*usually). I enjoy cooking meat filled meals when our whole family is eating together, but i enjoy getting creative with veggies when its just me, hunter and judah.
recently the boys and i ate chinnese food and they discovered a love for duck sauce. i had no idea what duck sauce was...then i tasted it...wow. delicious. so since then i have bought some duck sauce and found an interesting recipe for fried quinoa (http://www.thewannabechef.net/2011/09/26/fried-quinoa/) and it was spectacular. the boys and i both cleared our plates and then enjoyed seconds. we also polished off about 400 million edamame pods :) here are some photos of the boys enjoying their veggies that most kids wouldnt even touch :)

after supper we had an equally delish dessert...kettle korn. earlier today we stopped at target to grab a few things and i asked the boys if they wanted to get kettle korn or to do regular popcorn on the air popper...h wanted kettle and j wanted air. ugh. so we went and looked at the popcorn aisle and look what we found...

the best of both worlds! we got to have air popped kettle corn! Well done target.

so, moral of the story: 1. eat your veggies. 2. try quinoa it is outstanding 3. buy the kettle corn seasoning from target. 4. GO RANGERS.

christmas catalogs

Hunter LOVES Christmas catalogs. Loves them. Adores them. Obsessed with them. He is thrilled because they have started to arrive and he has spent hours (no, i don't mean minutes i do mean hours) pouring over the toy catalogs making sure he has looked at everything at least 234 times before getting his pen and circling the ones he would like for Christmas. This year he has taken it a bit farther as he is circling literally every toy in the catalog and then putting an "E, A, J, K or H" next to it. Key: E=Evie, A=Ezra (because you cant use 2 E's, you wouldnt remember which toy was for evie and which was for ezra), J=Judah, K=Kate and H=Hunter. He takes the catalog everywhere, including the dog park where he peacefully sits on the bench and pours over the pages while other kids run around in the mud. Judah too is excited about the catalogs that have arrived. He looked at his catalog for about 5 minutes, decided he wanted the Christmas calendar, a menorah, a buzz lightyear costume and an elmo costume. These 4 items where on the first 2 pages of the catalog and then he decided it was all he needed.
Today was an extra exciting day because a new catalog came in the mail...the bass pro shop christmas catalog. he was jumping up and down in the driveway after he pulled it out of the mailbox and said he was going to read it over and over again until he had to go to bed (note:this was at about 530...he goes to bed at 830). he inspected each page with intense scrutiny and was overjoyed because this catalog had stuff for grown-ups so he could give me suggestions on what i could ask santa for for christmas. he decided i wanted some pink camo pj's, a bedspread with deer on it and a lamp/rug combo with dogs and ducks. my he knows me so well ;) He picked out a 4 wheeler for justin and a toy story fishing pole for his brother.
***tangent: santa. I have always told the boys that santa is not real (i know i am terrible), but today hunter told me..."mom, i know that santa is real no matter what you say." clearly his peers in pre-school have been influencing his opinion on santa :)

so, i apologize in advance if you receive a christmas gift from bass pro shop...pretend you're thrilled because it will have been chosen by hunter and he will be so excited to give it to you.


here is H showing his super excited face about the new catalog:

Hunter and Judah looking at the fishing poles.

Hunter can't wait to go through the magazine again and start circling the toys!

He wants the bow and arrow

Judah laid down on Brandi when i came over to take the picture-he was using her as a road with his monster truck.

We love cars. 

attempt #3

I am a terrible blogger...my last post was on july 30th. fail. Here goes attempt #3 at being consistent...mostly because i am thinking about christmas cards and i intend on putting this blog address on them so that our friends and family who are far away and not on FB can keep up with our lives :)

So, welcome to our Fall of chaos. Since returning from MN we have hit the ground running-justin has been out to the deer lease 3 times (he's a lucky man to have a wife who agrees to this), he ran GoRuck (a 14 hour adventure you will have to ask him about) and he is preparing for next weekends tough mudder race. I on the other hand made a trip out to west texas to visit family and have been consumed with a huge project going on at work. Hunter started pre-school at the end of August (AHHH! how is he old enough for real preschool?!?!) and is absolutely LOVING it. he comes home with stories about his new friends, the things he is learning and utterly exhausted :) Judah is LOVING that he has gigi days all to himself since hunter and kate have both started school. He has never had much alone time with any adults since he is the 2nd son and the 3rd grandchild, so the first couple of alone days were kind of lonely for him but now he loves having gigi (and poppi too some days) to himself :)

Fall has finally arrived in central texas-i think. we hit a record number of 92 (i think thats the most recent number) days over 100 degrees and 136 or 137 CONSECUTIVE days over 90. it has been a brutal summer. we have a deficit of over 22 inches of rain and the landscape is brown. here's to hoping we just dumped on this winter.

Perhaps i will be back in a few days to write some more, or perhaps it will be several months...

Who am I?

Quiz time...is it hunter or judah?the first year pics are more difficult than the more recent ones :)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19. .

20..

For double points...can you guess their ages :)








1.  Hunter @ 1 year old
2. Hunter @ 2 weeks old
3. Judah @ 9 months old
4. Hunter @ 2 months old
5. Judah @ 1 year old
6. Hunter @ 6 months old
7. Hunter @ 9 months old
8. Judah @ 18 months
9. Hunter @ 18 months old
10. Judah @ 2 years old
11. Judah @ 1 day old
12. Judah @ 2 weeks old
13. Judah @ 1 week old
14. Judah @ 2.5 years old
15. Judah @ 2 months old
16.  Hunter @ 2 years old
17. Judah @ 6 months old
18. Hunter @ 2.5 years old
19. Hunter @ 1 day old
20. Hunter @ 1 hour old

a battle of wits.

I have a 2.5 year old...a 2.5 year old is far more stubborn than his older brother (i think he gets that from his father :) )

tonight we got to bed late because hunter was reading (yes, i mean mostly reading/sounding out words/going off memory for some) our goodnight story so it took a bit longer than normal. but teeth were brushed, foreheads kissed and doors left slightly ajar with the hall light on. As i head down the stairs i remind the boys to be quiet and go to sleep. Hunter is told that any noise i hear from him will cost him 2 pennies and Judah is told that any noise from him will result in the hall light being turned off. Well, h is asleep in about 3 seconds and j is belting out a story to himself at the top of his lungs so i head upstairs and simply flip off the hall light and wait. after about 2.3 nanoseconds judah starts screaming, "its too dark mommy!" and then the following conversations occurs:

me: judah, i know it is dark. you talked so the light has to be off now. its called a consequence.

j: but mommy the monsters are coming out.

m: judah you know monsters are not real

j:but you didnt sing jesus loves me

m: ok, (insert me singing jesus loves judah). now, go to sleep judah

j (still wailing): but mommy, we just ran out of time

m: what?

j: we just ran out of time and didnt read my story about the motorcycles, dump trucks, hot air ballons and fire trucks.

m: youre right judah, we did run out of time. we can read it tomorrow

j: no mommy we have to read it tonight

m: no judah, we will read it tomorrow.

j: but mommy its dark and i cant see my book so i need you to turn the hall light on. 

m: no.

j: but mommy, i will listen to you

m: too bad judah, we will try again with listening tomorrow.

j: but mommy, i have listening ears on now

m: too late. 

j: but mommy, i really need milk.

m: no.

j: but mommy, i really need to go potty and you can leave the light on in bathroom when i go back to my bed

m: ok, lets go potty but the light is going back off

j: but mommy i just need lights.

m; no.

j; but mommy, i just want to go to grandpas house.

m: on monday judah

j: but mommy, if i listen will you have the lights on on saturday?

m: sure.

j: ok mom go turn light on

m: judah its not saturday

j: (insert wailing): but mommy, i love saturday

m: goodnight judah

j: but mommy i need you to hold me 

m: judah i will lay my head on your pillow for a few minutes

j; for 2 minutes mommy?

m: sure.

j: ok. but mommy i really need to tell you a question.

m: what is it?

j: well mommy i need you to sing jesus loves me again

m: ok.

(so i sing and get up to go)

j: but mommy i just want to help you do dishes.

m: goodnight judah. (as i exit the room)

about 2 more minutes of wailing before judah passes out from exhaustion...and no, i am not exaggerating the number of "but mommy"'s. the time has come for judah and i to battle about who is in charge in this house...thankfully he is the last 2 year old i anticipate having. 

Swimming lessons and songs

Hunter took his first swimming lesson classes these past few weeks and he loved them. hunter has always loved the water and so he didn't hesitate when asked to do cannonballs, put his face in the water or try to touch the bottom of the pool.  here are a few pictures of him in action...

And here are some hilarious videos of judah. the first one is him singing his song he made up and then he explains in the 2nd video what his dad does and what his mom does. clearly gender roles are very defined in this house and i do believe i am getting the short end of the stick.

playing in the dirt.

so it turns out i am a terrible blogger... inconsistent at best and not terribly motivated to update this page. however, here goes another shot at it.

4th of July prade

Waiting for the fire truck to start the parade

daddy's boy.

Today the boys played in the mud, they dipped their hands in buckets of mud, rubbed it all over themselves, jumped in the puddles and laughed like crazy. i consider mud play as a vital part of growing up and its good for their immune systems too :) those are a few pics of the adventure...