being content during construction

Justin and I (along with the rest of the church) were challenged by our pastor to go through the whole Bible in 2012 and he gave us a great tool/reading plan called Life Journal. This reading plan goes through the old testament once and the new testament twice in a calendar year, and while the paper copy was available at church both Justin and i decided to use the electronic version. I follow the readings on youversion.com and he uses the mobile app of youversion.com to listen to his daily readings. so far i am really enjoying it as we have made it through genesis, most of Exodus, Luke and part of acts. i love the deep cultural history of how Israel came to be and reading about Gods unbelievable grace and mercy to his people who fail him daily. i have been surprised that i am enjoying the old testament readings more than the new testament, perhaps because i know the stories of Christ and the apostles and while it is absolutely fundamental knowledge i am enjoying the history so much. currently we are reading through the last third of Exodus and bleh, its all the measurements of the tabernacle/alters/lamp stands/etc. i dont particularly care about how many cubits the chair, curtains, lamps or tables are...but what i did catch onto today was this...our God cares about details. He cared enough about the minute details of a tent, he certainly cares more about the minute details of his people. I forget this all the time. i too often get sucked into the mindset of, "oh, i dont need God for this tiny little thing. i can totally do this on my own." forget it rach. you suck at doing stuff on your own and after reading this passage again today i decided that i think God likes the little stuff. I think he likes when we bring him into the "dumb" stuff that we probably could do on our own. I firmly believe that He wants me to ask him to help me find the boys SS cards rather than just bringing him in the "big stuff."
so, as i contemplate life this evening (on a day that i am tired of everything) i am reminded and reassured that God had 2 men (Bazeelel and Aholiab) build his tabernacle which means it took practically forever to build and that means that i, his creation that he cares more about than his tabernacle, am going to take forever to build. i am too detailed and to ornate to be thrown together. i am a work in progress.

this being said...i must also be reminded that the 2 little boys i was at my wits end with today are also a massive work in progress.

t-ball.

Today marked the end of an era and the beginning of a new chapter in Hunter's (and my) life. Today Hunter participated in t-ball tryouts. Today Hunter did not do so well at t-ball try-outs. Today I stood helplessly behind my son as he hit, ran and caught the ball...I could not help him, I could not run alongside him, I could do nothing but watch. Hunter had a huge smile on his face as he ran the bases and tossed the ball to one of the coaches and therefore tonight was a success even though he had trouble connecting the bat to the ball and didnt catch all the balls that were thrown to him. Today Hunter moved from my protective shield to the world of youth sports. Today my son grew up before my eyes.

Let's start with how absurd it is that the U6 team has to try out for t-ball and how they are drafted a few days later. I stood in line today with H & J for 1 hour and 15 minutes so that my son could hit 3 balls, run to second base, catch/throw 4 balls and then give a high five?!? This is outrageous...but perhaps that I find it to be outrageous because I don't have a competitive bone in my body (well at least when it comes to sports), or because I never completed tryouts or experienced the thrill of making the team, or perhaps I find it absurd because I don't want my son to be rejected or told he didn't make "that" team. As his mother my job is to protect and shield him from this world and I cannot do that in sports. I cannot ensure his team will always win, or help him dive to catch that ball (hell. who are we kidding, I would be more of a hindrance than a helper in this instance), I cannot protect him from the mean things other kids will say when he makes a mistake...I must relax my grip and change my mindset from "Hunter's shield" to "Hunter's biggest fan." My son is growing up and while it is definitely time I can't say that I am embracing this change with open arms. I'm not ready to t-ball. H is ready and his daddy is ready and luckily I still (for at least 1 more year) have Judah as my baby.

Now let's talk about baseball/t-ball parents. WOW. 1st of all...it has been a long time since I have seen so many moms wearing "gym" clothes outside of the gym. I do believe I was one of about 3 "working moms' who was present this evening...yes, I went to tryouts wearing my work clothes and my heals...but such is life and while I got some interesting looks from "those" moms (the one wearing track pants and the Rangers t shirt gave me quite the look when I walked onto the field) I stood proudly with my sons, even though I was incredibly uncomfortable. 95% of  the moms that were present at the field tonight were very serious about their son's performances and appeared to be much more stressed out than the kids about which team they were going to be on. The dads were a whole different story...wow, they were serious. Let's just say this: I will not take sports too seriously, I will support my sons 100% but because I feel no need to live vicariously through them I think my focus will be able to remain on making sure they are having fun. So, to the dad who was making hand signs to his 5 year old...relax.

So, we shall see what team Hunter is placed on. He will not be drafted 1st, 2nd or probably even 3rd round this year. The coaches will not fight over #105, but my hope and prayer is that he will be placed on a team that will have a coach who sees his potential, who sees a smart little boy who wants to play baseball but just hasnt had the exposure some other kids have, a coach who says "yes, I want #105 Hunter James because I think he could be a great part of my team." I want Hunter to have a positive first season of t-ball and my desire is that he walks away in June feeling good about how his season went. I don't think my older son is the next Joe Mauer, but I've been proven wrong before :)

Wish me luck on this journey because while Hunter plays t-ball, I have to hang out with "those" moms.

death of a 4 year old.

Today started off well, it started with leaving the house on time, a quick stop at Shipley's donuts and not too terrible traffic on Mopac. That is about were the "well" ended.

Upon arrival to work I was told that the 4 year old boy we have been pulling platelet and blood products for for the past 3 weeks passed away Sunday night. My heart sank and my day went downhill from there. I don't know this boys name, i don't know his birthday, i don't know his official diagnosis, i don't know what his actual cause of death was, i don't know if he had siblings, i don't know anything about him except 3 things:
     1. he has been on ECMO (essentially a heart and/or lung machine that is used short term--3 days to 4 weeks is typical) for 19 days
     2. he has used 1-2 units of platelets on each of those 19 days and about 2-5 units of blood/week
     3. he is B+

why does this bother me so much? i work in healthcare. i work in an industry where if you need the product i collect it means you are very sick, very hurt or actively bleeding on an OR table..but i wanted this boy to beat the odds. i wanted him to live. i wanted the power of life saving blood to work for him. i wanted to hear that he went home fully recovered, instead he will never again go home. he will not go to kindergarten next year. he will be buried sometime in the next few days and this world will move forward without him.

maybe i am so devastated by this loss because i have a son who is probably very close to this boys age. maybe my heart breaks for his parents because i cannot fathom what they are feeling right now. maybe my day was ruined because i am so accustomed to working in an industry that focuses so heavily on thanking donors for "giving the gift of life" and we couldn't give this patient that gift.

so, today was not an awesome day but i needed today to remind me to cherish life, to remember that the hole hunter made in justin's closet door (yes, for real. he said he wanted it to go all the way back to the wall but it stopped moving so he pushed it with all his might and the door stopper popped a hole in the door) just means he is strong enough to do that and that judah's very noisy voice is a blessing, because he has the ability to scream at the top of his lungs and not all kids can do that. i am blessed because i kissed my children tonight while they curled up in their own beds-not a hospital bed. my sons looked at me, hugged me back and told me they loved me-i didnt talk to a comatose child who is clinging to life on an ecmo machine or hug them around tubes, iv's, canuals, etc... i will go to bed in my own house not in a ronald mcdonald house because my sons are healthy and not in the hospital. my tears tonight are of gratitude that my sons are thriving, not the tears of sorrow the parents of that boy are shedding tonight.

look around and be blessed by those who you do life with.

Halloween carnival

H was a sherrif, J was a ninja turtle, dog and soldier (different costume for each event we went too!). And at the end of the day, i just love them and the hilarious little people they have become. They opted to go to the travelling carnival at dell diamond instead of trick or treating :)

I love this because it shows how much they love each other.

they are eyeing the bell that is next to hunter.

they are getting so old looking!

H's pained look is due to the massive number of shocks he was getting coming down the slide.

i love this. 

and this. 

moral of the story...my babies are no longer babies.

Minnesotan or Texan?

Over the past few weeks i have noticed several things about myself:
1. i find i say "y'all" a whole lot more than i say "ya sure"
2. i stayed awake until way past my normal bed time on a work day to watch the Rangers lose the world series...and i dont even know the name of anyone who plays for the Twins except for Joe Mauer.
3. i heard the vikes dropped mcnabb...who is the qb now? but i do know that matt schaub, andre johnson and joel dressen play for the texans.
4. i can navigate central and north austin without even thinking, but when home in mn i have to consciously plan out my route.
5. tex-mex and tea have become staples in my diet. casseroles have become a rariety.
6. instead of tricking people by asking them how to pronounce "ely" or "bemidji" i ask them to pronounce "nacogdoches" or "nueces"
7. i hear mn accents and can differentiate between texas accents
8. i havent watched a hockey game in i dont know how long.
9. i understand what it means when people say, "oh they must be from oklahoma or arkansas." and "oh bless their heart" (neither are complements, just an fyi)
10. i have taught my sons how to "hook em horns" and i am not even sure if the gophers do some sort of hand  gesture.
11. i know most of the texas fight song, and not a word of the gopher fight song.
12. "going up north" now implies that you are visiting dallas/ft worth for the weekend, not going to lake superior


do these things mean i am more texan than minnesotan?

i am a mother of 2 boys.

today i accomplished 1 out of the 6 things on my "things to do when i get home from work today" list and it was the least important one...clean out the toy box because it is overflowing with random pieces to toys that have long gone been eaten by brandi. this was a task the boys and i did together-they got to determine which toys they were done playing with and the ones they still liked. we tossed broken, mismatched and toys that were no longer age appropriate. then we discovered the box of costumes and the rest of my to-do list went out the window. for the next 2 hours we had to dress up in each of the costumes (dog, mouse, army man, cowboy, ninja turtle) and role play. H and J were usually the good guys and i was the bad guy they were trying to capture. however, as bed time came and went they turned on each other and decided it was time for them to fight each other so they could determine who was the better, stronger good guy. i think it was a toss up on who won the battle...

hilarious. i love that judah threw a lion at hunter and hunter proceeded to say "cattle in the road" and shoot it. poor judah will never live down his "injin turtle" costume and hunter's singing/dancing is awesome. and yes, h is only in his undies because the mouse costume he had on previously was made for sub-zero temperatures.

vegetable eaters

I am so thankful that my little boys love veggies like i do. I love that i can get creative with vegetarian dishes and they gleefully gobble them up (*usually). I enjoy cooking meat filled meals when our whole family is eating together, but i enjoy getting creative with veggies when its just me, hunter and judah.
recently the boys and i ate chinnese food and they discovered a love for duck sauce. i had no idea what duck sauce was...then i tasted it...wow. delicious. so since then i have bought some duck sauce and found an interesting recipe for fried quinoa (http://www.thewannabechef.net/2011/09/26/fried-quinoa/) and it was spectacular. the boys and i both cleared our plates and then enjoyed seconds. we also polished off about 400 million edamame pods :) here are some photos of the boys enjoying their veggies that most kids wouldnt even touch :)

after supper we had an equally delish dessert...kettle korn. earlier today we stopped at target to grab a few things and i asked the boys if they wanted to get kettle korn or to do regular popcorn on the air popper...h wanted kettle and j wanted air. ugh. so we went and looked at the popcorn aisle and look what we found...

the best of both worlds! we got to have air popped kettle corn! Well done target.

so, moral of the story: 1. eat your veggies. 2. try quinoa it is outstanding 3. buy the kettle corn seasoning from target. 4. GO RANGERS.